Love is Not a Currency

I’ve said I love you to 3 people. 

And I questioned each time it wasn’t reciprocated, days and weeks later, if it was actually true for me? Did I know what love even was? Did I know if I was IN love? How did I know? It wasn’t until the third one that I can confidently say that I did love all three of them. When I told them how I felt it was the complete truth. 

Because I don't believe being in love only counts when it's reciprocated. I don't believe love ever has to be reciprocated to count.

That’s the beauty of love. 

And why we need more of it in the world. 

It’s not a currency. 

There were all sorts of reasons for me to not love the first two people I said I love you to and yet I still got to know them and I fell for them. 

The third one was easy. For a while anyway, but that’s not the point at the moment. 

Each time I told someone I loved them it felt like a last resort. I loved this person so much and things were falling apart but maybe if they knew how much I loved them they would try to fight for this. For us. For the chance to figure it out. 

And each time I continued to learn that you cannot love someone into loving you.
 

Why tell someone how you feel and rush it and ruin it? Or maybe you don’t realize how you feel or that you won’t have the time you thought you had to get the words out at the right time. Or maybe you’re sure that love really is the answer to hard times. And that it should be enough to help someone see the challenge in the situation but continue the fight to get through it to be with you. And to have each other through the struggle.

I’ve always believed in saying the thing.
Telling someone how you feel. Telling them you like them, want to spend time with them, hate when they’re gone. Telling them you miss them. 

That’s why even after 3 unrequited love confessions I’m still ready to say it if it’s true. How they felt about me does not change the fact that I loved them. 

And still do, or rather pieces of them or that moment with them that’s burned into my memory.

Telling these people that I loved them was never just a whim or out of desperation, it was because I could no longer contain it and I needed them to know even if they still chose to walk away. Because me holding onto it wasn’t doing anyone any good.

And I don’t think there’s any harm in knowing that someone loves you. 

I don’t want to question anymore if I was misguided or delusional when I tell someone I love them, because I’m not someone who just says whatever they think people want to hear. I spend time understanding my feelings and my connection with the people in my life and if I love you, I love you. And lucky me to have someone in my life who put in enough effort and energy to build a connection with me that made me feel safe and seen and heard and wanted. Even if it didn’t last for very long.

I’m looking forward to the day that someone is so overwhelmed by their feelings for me that there is simply nothing else for them to do but to tell me they love me.